


My Words Are Not For You

by nestine



Category: GOT7
Genre: First Love, Fluff, Jinmark, Light Angst, M/M, Markjin, Poetry, jjp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:24:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nestine/pseuds/nestine
Summary: Jinyoung wrote a poetry - a confession for the one he truly loves. He wanted to remain anonymous and refused to add his name as the sender but it was too late when he realized he forgot to write the recipient's name as well. And now Jinyoung finds himself in a huge mess he created.





	1. You didn’t have me at hello

**Author's Note:**

> This is fluff with light angst, I promise. And my first time writing a MarkJin fanfic - I will update twice a week or more than that. I think this will be a very long fic. Bear with me!

 

_ You didn’t have me at hello _

_ Nor with your pretty little smiles _

_ But you struck an arrow into my heart _

_ In a way I can’t possibly decline _

 

_ Let me tell you I love you for the hundredth time _

_ For loving you will never be a crime _

_ I can say it one more time  - even a million - it’s worth every time _

_ But I know, sadly, you will never be mine _

 

_ But I can only use words _

_ To express my love _

_ For telling you face to face isn’t an option _

_ For I will forever be hidden in this secret confession _

 

_ It’s easier said vocally, they say _

_ And action speaks louder than words _

_ But I can only give you this letter _

_ For alphabets are all I have _

_ These scripts are all I can utter _

_ In this world that is not created for us. _

  
  


_ Let me love you, even from afar _

_ It’s enough for me that you know I’m near _

_ Admiring the beauty that is you _

_ And drowning in the sea of fantasy _

_ But there's still a lingering hope in me _

_ Thinking the day will come that there will be a you and me _

 

 

“ Did you write it?” It was rather an insistent demand more than a simple inquiry. And Park Jinyoung doesn't have a single idea on what possible and sane reply would be the appropriate response to a seemingly pressing question directed at him. In all honesty, Park Jinyoung could lie his way out of the interrogation and compose different believable scenarios but the way Mark Tuan's orbs were staring into his eyes – he saw a glint, just a partial of a second, as if his eyes were pleading for the truth. And that's when Jinyoung almost loses all the alibis he had and stuttered his way deeper into the conversation.  
  
  
“ I - “Jinyoung stuttered and his mind wasn’t cooperating as it was now clouding all the reasonable fake answers he could have had laid on. He tried though, to squeeze in a little splash of the truth. “This is a misunderstanding” He finally admitted. Jinyoung was close to explaining what really transpired because Mark Tuan doesn't deserve to be dragged on to this humongous confusion. He doesn't want to add more fuel to the fire but Jinyoung knew, confessing the root of all the misunderstanding would have to wait, he doesnt have the courage to admit everything all at once.  
  
  
“ But I heard your conversation with Yeri, clearly.” Mark Tuan stood in front of him, demanding an answer. The way Mark’s eyes emitted a certain strong message, it gave Jinyoung a scare because Mark has never been the one to offer a conversation nor initiate a topic to discuss with. Mark Tuan, the blonde haired guy who majors in dance, whose every offered smile is adored by multiple admirers and the limited amount of conversation initiated by him most people wanted to be a part of. Mark Tuan, the eye-catcher among his group of friends because of his foreign descent and a seemingly kind hearted personality along with his strong-cold aura.  
  
This was, farmost, the longest personal conversation Jinyoung had with Mark. They weren’t friends. Jinyoung knew him, had several short  exchanges, casual conversations, pretty much multiple hi’s and hello’s. They’ve been paired once, in their History class but they’ve never bonded after that - they’re not friends, but they knew each other existed. But being in a close proximity with him for 2 years, Jinyoung has known Mark as one of the kind ones – and because of that, Jinyoung detested how an innocent pure-hearted soul was pulled into a mess.  
  
Jinyoung could feel the slight discomfort in his stomach,  _ this isnt right _ , he thought.  
  
“ Jinyoung” Mark Tuan called his attention once more, a hint of desperation lies in the tone of his voice.

But Jinyoung wasn't a hypocrite. He loathed to be in his current position – a stand where he would put another person's peaceful life into complicated hanging one. Jinyoung was selfish because no matter how big of a mess his current reality was and how close he was into revealing his deepest secret, Jinyoung wouldn't really choose to cross that line. Yes, he sympathized nd felt sorry for Mark for being caught up in the middle of this whole scenario but Jinyoung's feelings must come first.

Mark Tuan was staring into his eyes, digging the truth. There was only 2 options for Mark Tuan but for Jinyoung, it was not merely between a yes and a no. Jinyoung could opt to say no and sing a plea of lies or he could say yes and still narrate untruth words. This was a make or break scenario, no matter how cliché it sounded because Jinyoung did not know how to respond, he has been caught - guilty of charged, there's nothing else to say but admit he was the one who wrote the poetry but admitting meant he would be telling the whole truth.  
  
“ Hey, Mark!” A familiar voice echoed through the hallway - breaking the silence that enveloped, interrupting everything the tensed atmosphere. And Jinyoung suddenly felt sick until his inner core upon hearing the voice. On the other hand, Mark refused to acknowledge that his name has been called. He hasn’t paid any attention to the greeting offered by his close friend, Im Jaebum.  
  
“ Park Jinyoung” It was obvious Mark has been losing his patience which was a rare sight. It didn't help one bit that there were already a few students lingering on the area.

Jinyoung gulped and froze on his spot.  _ This isnt happening.  _ He thought to himself. All the feelings he had buried and was trying to crush his decision – all at once.

One by one, their classmates  started to come out of the classroom, and as every second ticked by, more people became witness to the heated conversation. The murmurs of _what’s happening, what’s going on_ were exchanged. The bystanders have been interested to know what the commotion was all about, and soon, the uncrowded hallway became somewhat a stage play.

And on top of the buzzing and curious crowd, Mark Tuan pressed his plea, “Did you write it?” He asked, “Are you the mystery writer of the poem?” He urged even more.

This was the perfect time to defend himself, to state a lie but Jinyoung didn't, he wanted too, though, to say no and lie to everyone. It was the easiest way out in his current predicament but no matter how hard he wanted to speak out an untruth claim, his heart has been telling him otherwise.

_ Oh my God! _

_ Oooh, ahhh. _

_ Park Jinyoung, seriously?! _

_ Who would have thought? _

  
The bystanders as well as their classmates had realized what was happening. The realization was abrupt and simple but everyone already knew the answer. Everything was getting out of hand.

Dealing with the matters with regards to his heart wasn’t Jinyong’s strong suit nor was he capable of turning back the time because if he miraculously had the power to do so, he would have gone back to that certain moment and he would have not written the first fucking original poetry of his life.  That would be the ideal plan because he wouldn’t have to deal with the greatest confusion ever existed in the history of his now miserable existence.

All have soon took a liking on the conversation, patiently waiting for the upcoming exchange of words, Jinyoung could feel multiple eyes focused on his next move. Everyone warranted an answer from him.

  
It was terrifying how suddenly Jinyoung was pinned in a situation he could not escape, and along with his problematic state, he has to deal with the widely beating of his heart. Added to it was the fact that the love of his life has appeared in front of him, intently waiting for a confirmation, along with the other extras in his seemingly movie-like situation with a completely additional accidental character, not really meant to be a part of the main cast - all of them wanting him to admit one thing. Jinyoung was cornered, and he felt like throwing up, so he opted the safest way out.

 

He ran. 


	2. Nor with your pretty little smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of this chapter is more of a flashback - what happened before Mark confronted Jinyoung. Sorry, it took so long but this is a long chapter - I'll update regularly :) Thanks for reading!

_A week before Mark and Jinyoung's conversation in the hallway._

 

Park Jinyoung is a sophomore Performing Arts student majoring in voice. He has been in love with only one person in his entire life but his love had not progressed from staring into him from a distance, admiring him from a far, and keeping pretty necessary trade of conversations every now and then. But they are friends who shared meals together, who have spent a generous amount of time hanging out after school - but Jinyoung’s love was just feelings – never turned into actions.

 

It happened one week before the iconic moment in Jiinyoung's life, when Mark Tuan cornered him on the hallway of the university demanding an answer. To Jinyoung's defense, the whole scenario was taken out of context – was completely blown out of proportion. Mark Tuan wasn't the one Jinyoung was in love with but somewhere along the crazy drawn outline, Mark has been dragged into the scene – party because of an honest mistake Jinyoung made and the half of it can be pin pointed to Jackson and his unnerving curiosity.

 

Jinyoung has written a poetry – the first ever heartfelt piece he made. But it wasn't for Mark, it was meant for Im Jaebum.

 

For Jinyoung, Im Jaebum was completely out of his league. It wasn't a product of love at first sight nor did it begin from an exceptionally beautiful moment. It was not an instant attraction but it sprung gradually - an unintended feeling but at a snail’s pace development. The attraction towards Jaebum’s physical appearance came in late, only being appreciative of Jaebum’s visuals when Jinyoung learned he has fallen in love with everything comprising Im Jaebum.

 

He decided not to act upon his feelings because although he can consider Jaebum as his friend, he knew that a line was already drawn. He wasn’t a part of Jaebum’s group nor was he interested in joining them. He was happy with his fairly general clique because being being friend with everyone meant you can hang out with anyone and that's just Jinyoung. He wasn’t really an exceptionally great student everyone adored but he prides himself of being known by many. He is Park Jinyoung, he is a music student who majors in Voice just like the rest of the normal ones in the class. Jaebum, on the other hand, befriended anyone on a different scale because he was excellent in what he does, the cream of the crop – and he was highly respected.

 

“You should confess.” Youngjae, Jinyoung's bestfriend, encouraged him once again, and he lost count on how many failed tries he offered in the past.   
  


Jinyoung looked at him wide -eyed, appalled at how the suggestion was incredulously spoken so lightly as if that's the only evident and sane reason left in the world.

 

Youngjae rolled his eyes as he understood what Jinyoung was trying to imply, “Im Jaebum is single and you're single, so what's keeping you scared?”

 

How many times did they have had this little pep talk, Jinyoung didn't keep track but every time Youngjae tried to coax him into making his feelings known, he would mutter a different response. Honestly, Jinyoung could not pin point exactly what was it preventing him from confessing his feelings. Maybe because he feared rejection – that was one. Or probably because he wouldn't want to tarnish what he currently have with Jaebum – even it was just little friendship. Maybe there was this big reason – made up of little small ones. Or because Jinyoung was just scared.

 

“Jaebum is a social butterfly - whom everyone adored.” Jinyoung explained. He could not remember the first time he felt a connection with Jaebum but all he recalled was Jaebum’s kind hearted nature and the way he intelligently answered the questions in their classes or the little and embarrassing mistakes Jaebum at times do. Jinyoung grew fond of keeping an eye from afar of watching him from the corner of his eyes, or staring at him in the library, with Jinyoung's eyes partially concealed with a book, “He's just out of my league”

 

It was Youngjae's turn to stare at his friend, appalled. As if it was the most ridiculous statement he has heard in his entire existence.

 

“Do you hear yourself, Park Jinyoung?” Youngjae declared as he raised his hands in surrender, “You, of all, people.” He breathed out. “I don't know what I'll make of you.”

 

“But it's true.” Jinyoung insisted. “Jaebum – he's just.” He paused and suck in as much determination as he can.

 

“He's perfect.”

 

Youngjae could only sigh in defeat.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Jinyoung’s feelings developed even more and although he was sure that his little love over Jaebum will end in vain, he refused to prevent himself from falling even harder. It has been more than a year - he has enough battles with himself, most of the time, either to admit his feelings or get over his admiration for Jaebum, much to Youngjae's persistent demands of _confessions._ Jinyoung realized that the more he kept his feelings to himself - the faster it drove him into a deeper sea. But he could not just _confess_ – he cannot. Over time, the satisfaction he gained with little moments he had with Jaebum were enough to sustain the happiness his heart needed – the kind smiles Jaebum offered him every after he perfectly hit the high notes during music classes, or the little encouragements Jaebum said to him every time he performed on practical exams.

 

They are friends much like Jaebum is friends with everyone but the thing is, not everyone is in love with Im Jaebum. Not anyone is captivated by the way his eyes form crescent moons.

 

Jinyoung is in love with Im Jaebum.

 

Only until recently, when the moment Jinyoung dreaded came into existence. He prepared, warned himself that eventually Jaebum would fall in love with someone else. It was still an utter shock, and his heart hadn’t really prepared for the day he would witness Jaebum falling for someone, entirely not him. But for Jinyoung, it was too early. He was drowning in a well and no one would save him. But what can Jinyoung do? Jaebum is bound to be with someone - someone not Jinyoung.

 

Jinyoung saw Jaebum kissed the freshman from Thailand. And it tore Jinyoung's heart into pieces.

 

Jinyoung didn't bother to know the real deal was or what relationship Jaebum and the Thailander have – because for Jinyoung, witnessing the only person who make his heart flutter kiss someone was enough to make his world crumble apart.

 

_I want to move on_. It was an abrupt decision. Jinyoung believed it was the right thing to do. He wanted his feeling to come across but refused to reveal his identity. Everyone knows he is gay and bound to end up with another man but he doesn't feel the rejection nor criticisms from his peers. The problem lies with the one he truly desires. Sadly, the most pitiful experience was knowing he'll never be loved by the person he is fond of.

 

Maybe Jinyoung was beyond broken that he committed several mistakes. Maybe he really wanted to let his feelings known. Or maybe he was just scared to receive a pitiful rejction. So he poured all his emotions and wrote a piece of poetry. Carefully chosen words that Jinyoung held dearly to him, the emotions he wanted to convey and the feelings he longed to share. He refused to add his name, not even a clue to his anonymity. And after a night of a broken heart, non-stop tears, and a completed poem, Jinyoung made his way into the university dormitory, secretly dropped the letter in Jaebum’s room mailbox. He left the letter containing his heart.

 

And little did Jinyoung know, that moment changed everything in his once peaceful life.

 

Jinyoung recalled the night he went into Jaebum’s dorm, believing the room was still occupied by Jaebum. He slipped the black paper with golden writings only to find out the following day when he entered the classroom that everything was already in a mess.

 

There was a lot of buzz when Jinyoung entered the classroom. A commotion Jinyoung didn't want to associate himself because there will be a written exam Jinyoung hasn't prepared for and he needed sometime to cram the shit out of him before the professor gets in but when he heard Jackson blurting out the lines of the poem he wrote made him froze on his spot – heart stammering against his fragile chest.

 

_Let me love you, even from afar_

_It’s enough for me that you know I’m near_

_Admiring the beauty that is you_

_And drowning in the sea of fantasy_

_But there's still a lingering hope in me_

_Thinking the day will come that there will be a you and me_

 

_No. No. No._

 

He was doomed – dying – dead – gone. _Goodbye Jinyoung._

 

Jinyoung has no idea how Jackson got hold of the letter. It went downhill from there. Jinyoung's mind was in a whirlwind of confusion and his heart was in a tsunami of mixed feelings. He loathed his entire existence – and feared that his little secret was uncovered. He badly needed to leave the room – it wasn't a _want_ anymore, leaving the room was a necessity.

 

“Man, this is awesome!” Jackson commented after he finished his little speech. “No matter how many times I read this, I still fall in love.” He exaggerated. “Too bad the letter sender didn't bother writing a name.” He slumped into his seat with a disappointed expression. Everyone knew when Jackson's upset and even though Jinyoung wasn't close with Jackson or with his circle of friends, Jackson was just like an open book – easy to understand. He knew Jackson was telling the truth.

 

_Dear heavens._

 

It was like a big chunk of thorn was squashed and pulverized and Jinyoung can be able to breath again but it didnt meant he was stable enough to function normally. The bigger problem lies with his poem being publicly shared to many. _What happened? Why does Jackson have the poem? And why is Jaebum walking towards----_

 

“Jinyoung!” He heard Jaebum called his name. And Jinyoung froze on his spot, _Does Jaebum know? This isn't happening. Someone help me. Please--- Jinyoung is doomed – dying – dead – gone._

 

“He-e-y” He stuttered while his mind was bursting a lot of unwanted curses, unable to clearly decipher the situation.

 

Jaebum smiled at him brightly – so brightly that it can even brighten the sun. And then he remembered Jaebum was the reason for hi miseries. But that smile was so heavenly. _Where the fuck in this scenario is me trying to move on?_ Yes, Jinyoung was exaggerating and his mind was still a mess.

 

“Did you - “ Jaebum asked slwoly.

 

“No.” Jinyoung answered rather quickly with his hand all over the air wailing like a crazy man.

 

“You didn't even hear the whole question.” And Jaebum laughed, his beautiful laugh and Jinyoung's knees got wobbly. And that laugh wasn't even for Jinyoung. _God damn it Im Jaebum._

 

But Jinyoung needed to set aside Jaebum's adorable laughter who he probably offered to everyone because it was time to panic and jumble his words, “Yes, because, no, I mean – uhh, what's your question?” Jinyoun barely managed to put up a coherent response. _It wasn't smootj, Park Jinyoung. Calm the fuck down._

 

“What's with you today?” Jaebum asked, clearly amused at how Jinyoung was acting weirdly. Jaebum shook his head, fondly accusing of Jinyoung of _something_ “Did you take notes last History class? I lost my notebook the other day.'

 

Jaebum was adorable, it was important to take note of it and Jaebum was also in love with someone else but then it was a minute before Jinyoung was able to completely composed himself after the question that was really far from what he was expecting came to life. And somehow, relief shone brightly on his darkening day.

 

“Yes.” Jinyoung managed a perfectly capable response. He wasted no time and unzipped his backpack, locating his History notebook from the depths of his bag. When he finally recovered it, he immediately handed it over to Jaebum who was patiently waiting in front of him.

 

“I knew I could count on you.” Jaebum cheered. “I'll give it back to you at the end of the day, I promised.”

 

“No worries.' Jinyoung replied calmly concealing his true emotions like a top actor in a drama.

 

For a brief moment, his mind has wandered away from his the poem but as soon as the distraction that went by the name _Im Jaebum_ was gone, Jinyoung panicked again and started from the bottom minding a lot of unanswerable questions. He was cut briefly when the professor entered the room and Jinyoung was forced to take the exam with his mind per-occuppied with other things. He would not be surprised if he would not even make it on the half way mark when the results of the test were up.

 

Luckily for Jinyoung, his classmates discussed the _poem_ during lunch break. He was clever enough to join the people who he knew would have a lot of information with regards to Jackson's poetry reciting just before the class.

 

Apparently, Jaebum and the other guys were curious as to who wrote the heartfelt piece of poetry. Jackson was frantically asking everyone in the class – just before Jinyoung entered as to who wrote the poem. The day ended and Jinyoung was convinced his idenety was revealed.

 

But to Jinyoung's ultimate horror, Jackson's curiosity heightened. It became a huge topic among his classmates but because no one knew the identity of the letter sender and curiosity can kill the cat, Jackson had posted in his social media account a notice. It was an innocent interest that created the mess in Jinyoung’s quiet and peaceful life.

 

Jackson had posted the details of him and his friends looking for the anonymous writer. Some were amazed at how the poetry was filled with emotions hauling everyone into the bandwagon of searching the writer of the poem. It was shared in the community, re- posted in several social media sites, was even published in the university school paper and announced on the school radio. The next thing Jinyoung knew, the whole university was searching for the mysterious romantic writer. There were even some who started claiming they have written the poetry but all were proven as cons. The search for the writer continued and never did it died down.  
  


A week has passed and the hunt for the romantic writer has gotten bigger. The curiosity has spread on. It became a game to some, a bet to a fewer people - everyone suddenly wanted to uncover the mystery.

 

Jinyoung swore he would not admit because that would mean he had to explain everything. And explaining every detail would lead him to confessing the letter wasn’t for Mark to begin with but for Jaebum and Jinyoung wasn't prepared to admit his feelings, yet.

 

But unwanted scenario has happened resulting to Mark cornering him in the hallway.

 

It was a normal day for Jinyoung when Yeri, a fellow performaing arts student approached him and revealed how she knew he was the one who dropped the letter that night. Jinyoung begged Yeri to never tell anyone, to swore to secrecy.

 

Jinyoung was cornered just after he went out of the bathroom. There was still 15 minutes before the Communication class with Ms. Choi would end. And he was surprised when Yeri admitted what she knew.

  
“I saw you, that night” Yeri dropped the bomb.

  
Jinyoung was at the verge of losing his mind. Because how can he compose an alibi when everything was surprisingly sprung to him, “Yeri - ” he tried.

  
  


But Yeri had already raised a promise, “I won’t tell anyone.” Yeri held her right hand as if agreeing to the secret. “Looks like you really don’t want to admit it yourself. I won’t interfere with your decisions, don't worry”

  
  


The panic has slowly died down. Jinyoung was too grateful, Yeri was the type of classmate of who thinks of others. But Yeri was also close with Mark and his friends, she is Jaebum’s cousin to top it all.

  
  


“I just think you need to know that I knew your secret.” Yeri concluded, “But I won’t ask anything in return. Or whatsover, I just - well, curious”

  
  


“Of?” Jinyoung asked.

  
  


“The poem is really well written and I think you really love him. Why aren’t you telling him, then?”

  
  


“I just - “Jinyoung started, he felt the need to explain, he knew he can trust Yeri on simple things but he found it difficult to trust her with regards to his deepest secret. “I really don’t know.” He replied. “He might not even like me.” He answered but not admitting that the poetry was for Jaebum.

  
  


Yeri contorted her face into confusion . She was about to tell Jinyoung something but stopped. She paused but tried again, “You know, I’m not in the position to tell you this.” Yeri started, “But I just feel like you should tell Mark, because” Yeri paused, possible thinking of words to add, “I feel that - ugh, why is this too hard. If you admit it, you might end up in a happy ending?” She concluded.

  
  


“But it’s just my opinion” She hurriedly exclaimed, “It’s still up to you. And I’ll keep my promise, you’re one of the good guys I know so I’ll respect your decisions. “

  
  


“Thank you” Jinyoung felt grateful and it was the only sentence he thought was the best response for Yeri's kindness, “We might have to keep this secret for as long as we can.” Jinyoung laughed. “Because I don’t really have any plans on admitting I wrote the letter.” Jinyoung admitted. “Thank you again, Yeri.”

  
  


“No problem.” Yeri smiled, winked and raised a thumbs up, “I have to go back, Ms. Choi might accuse me of abusing the bathroom break. You should too”

  
  


“Yes. I know.” Jinyoung offered a smile. They walked side by side on the way back in their Communication class and Jinyoung felt a burden had been washed away from his system.

 

“Jinyoung”

 

It was just a few steps away from the classroom, Yeri and Jinyoung stopped from their tracks. And when Jinyoung turned around to see who called him, he was surprised to know Mark Tuan was standing just a few steps behind them.

 

Yeri was stunned and told Jinyoung she would go ahead in which Jinyoung nodded in response. It was an unusual sight of Mark initiating a conversation.

 

And that's when everything started – the whole conversation with Mark. Mark wanting him to admit he wrote the letter and basically, all of his classmates uncovering the truth because of his earlier conversation with Mark.

 

***

_The present_

 

Jinyoung ran as fast as he could – wanting to get away from the university as fast as possible – away from his classmates who now knew his deepest secret – away from Jaebum and especially away from Mark Tuan.

 

On a normal day, it would take Jinyoung 30 minutes to get to his shabby uncostly shared apartment with his best friend, Youngjae, if he rides a bus directly in front of university. But to choose the more practical ride home didnt pass through his mind; Jinyoung was too consumed over the recent disaster he created and his attention was to get away as far as possible to the crowd of students poking an answer out of him.

 

Leather shoes weren't suited for running, Jinyoung realized as he continued sprinting despite the pain emerging from his feet and the numbness kicking on his knees. He gradually slowed down but he kept on moving forward – he had only one thing in mind: he must be able to getaway, to be as far away as possible.

 

He arrived breathless but his wariness had diminished but not quite, at least he felt safer. His long detour had took its toll on his legs as they betrayed him and ended lying in the cold floor. Jinyoung tried to unjumble the thoughts lingering on his head he while he calmed the beating of his weak and desolate heart, unsure if was triggered by the long run he did or if because of a certain someone he hold dearly in his heart – he ended realizing, it could possibly be both.

 

“Youngjae” He breathed into the phone. Jinyoung took no rest once he arrived at his apartment, lying flat on the flooor, he dialed his best friend's number hoping to find some solace. It took Jinyoung a long pause, after recalling in his head the moments he regretted. He took a deep breath before he started his narration.

  
“Everyone realized!” Jinyoung started, “They know.”

  
  


“What?” Youngjae. Jinyoung’s best friend, asked in a hurry and then a pause, “The poem you wrote”

  
  


“Yes” Jinyoung breathlessly admitted.

  
  


“You told Jaebum? And now everyone knew you liked him?! Fucking, finally!” There was as an utter celebratory happiness from the tone of Youngjae's voice.

  
  


Jinyoung sighed, “No.” He paused. “I will never have the guts to tell him.”

 

“Then what happened?”

  
  


“Mark and Jaebum swapped rooms the day I slipped the letter.” Jinyoung reminded him of the first mistake he committed that lead to a complete misunderstanding. It was an honest mistake. Jinyoung wasn't aware of the changes in room assignments when he dropped the letter in the university's dormitory mailbox room.

  
  


“Yes, I already knew that.  Everyone thought the poem you wrote was for Mark”

  
It was a long narration, Jinyoung could practically felt his throat hurting after verbally detailing everything that has happened with Yeri admitting how she knew Jinyoung was the writer and Youngjae patiently waited for a cue to add a comment. There was a long pause from the both ends.

 

Youngjae sounded horrible in his reply, “Oh - what the fucking hell.”

  
  


“And now everyone know I wrote the letter.” It was a half scowl-half grunt.

 

“Fuck. This is complicated.” Youngjae paused.

  
  


“Let me time travel. Or better, stab with me a fork -countless times. I want to die” Jinyoung screamed over the phone. “It’s over -all over, I’m doomed. Jaebum was even there!”

  
  


“Did you get rejected?” Youngjae snorted at the other line trying to somehow cheer his bestfriend.

  
  


“What the hell, Youngjae? No. Worse. This is the worst. I shouldn’t have -oh God, This is ridiculous, I’m stupid. I want to, ugh, Youngjae. Hell, hell, dear God. I swear, worse, just -”

  
  


“Stop that incoherent whining. And please explain it in a language I can understand. I only have 10 minutes left on my break.”

  
  


“Mark confronted me.”

  
  


“What did you do?”

  
  


“I ran”

  
  


“You shit.”

  
  


“ I didn’t know what to do.”

  
  


Jinyoung could hear Youngjae’s boss in the background telling him to get his shit back at the counter before he fires him right then and there.

  
  


“That’s mu cue.” Youngjae grumbled, “I know you’re in a pretty deep shit right now. Try to get some sleep for the meantime. I’ll get there as soon as I can, okay? You can do this, Jinyoung. We can do this. Okay?”

  
  


It was so reassuring. Jinyoung was thankful for a friend like Youngjae, though the latter was a year younger than him, he always give the best responses to difficult situations.

  
  


“Thank you. You’re the best.”

  
  


“You didnt need to mention. I am aware.”

  
  


It’s only after he hung up in his call with Youngjae he realized the amount of text messages he received. Most from his classmates containg messages such as _Jinyoung, you sly fox. OMG, Park Jinyoung. It’s you -it’s you. I’ll be rooting for you and Mark. Park Jinyoung!_ And several other words of praise, there are those who cursed him too, accusing him of hypnotising Mark.

  
  


“This is a mess” He muttered. This wasnt what he wanted - far from what he imagined. He never wanted attention and to think everything was deluded with an honest mistake.

 

***

  
  


It was a pretty long sleep and a good dream to wake up to but Jinyoung’s reality was a nightmare. He woke up already feeling drained and exhausted. As the memories of yesterday was the first thought he had in mind the moment he opened his eyes.

 

“Kill me.” He groaned.

  
  


“You know I can’t” Came a reply. Youngjae was on the far left of the room, arranging clothes on the dresser, “You probably need to get going. It’s already 8. I’ve been trying to wake you up since 7.”

  
  


“I have an exam! Fuck my life!” Jinyoung screamed as he jumped out of bed and head straight into the bathroom.

  
  


As much as he hated the idea of facing the reality after having been in a difficult position last night, Jinyoung can’t sacrifice his studies. He showered briefly not only because he was going to be late but because the shower room was the perfect place to think and thinking wont do him any good. He succeeded in grooming himself in a short span of time,.

 

Youngjae , on the other hand, was already in the kitchen, doing the dishes. Breakfast was not a good idea, Jinyoung would really need to skip it. He has 35 minutes left and it takes 30 minutes to get to school, one wrong move and he’ll be late.

  
  


“I’m going ahead. See you later.” Jinyoung rushed to door but was stopped when Youngjae handed him a packed lunch.

  
  


“Sandwich on the go and some pizzas I got from work.”

  
  


“You know I love you, right?” Jinyoung professed.

  
  


“I know, and i love you too.” Youngjae winked, “But you love Im Jaebum more.”

  
  


“Ha!” Jinyoung replied, “You know me too well.”

  
  


He rushed to get to school. But time wasnt even cooperating with him. The bus hated him too. It was 8:10 when he arrived on the university grounds and he ran as fast as he could towards his assigned room. He was late and would probably get a penalty but at least he would escape the notion of his classmates demanding an answer out of him.

  
  


It was a grand entrance because Jinyoung suddenly and harshly opened the door. He was even surprised at himself. But was even more stunned and kind of relieved when the professor wasn’t in the room. But on a split second, he wished that the professor was available and he could have just taken the penalty from being late and the exam was already starting but nothing seemed going the way Jinyoung has planned.

All eyes were on him - someone even screamed, there were those who murmured, “there he is” and they were some who giggled too.

  
  


“Finally!”

  
  


Jinyoung heard and clouded all the other sounds because Jaebum was coming towards him, smiling so widely he can barely see Jaebum’s eyes. The smile Jinyoung adored the most, his heart was beating uncontrollably fast. But Jinyoung kept reminding himself he should prevent himself from admiring the guy in front of him.

  
  


“Class canceled.’”Jaebum said while approaching him. “Free cut until the afternoon.”

  
  


Jinyoung didn't respond, was too stunned to even bother saying a word.

 

“You don’t have anything to do, right?” Jaebum slung an arm around Jinyoung's shoulders. “Because I need you to be somewhere with me.”

  
  


“What?”

  
  


And Jinyoung was out of the room. He has been in numerous close proximity with Jaebum because they are friends. But every time, he still felt the butterfly wildly roaming in his stomach. Jaebum was a wonder – a one of kind gem for Jinyoung.

 

“I didn't know you write so well.” Jaebum complimented him.

 

Jinyoung gulped and only nodded. He was not like this before. Jinyoung usually replies and the one who starts a conversation even though he was head over heels for Jaebum.

 

“ You really like Mark, huh?” Jaebum teased, “I, for one thing, was surprised.”

 

Jinyoung tried to calm his senses, maybe what happened the past day was taking its toll on him.

 

“Well, Mark is lucky to have you.” Jaebum laughed, “Ah, my friends having relationships, and here I am all alone in this sad crazy world.”

 

Jinyoung stopped on his tracks and tried to process what Jaebum had said. It was a crazy ride, a roller-coaster experience – the deadliest one.

 

“What do you mean?” He asked, tone serious.

 

“You and Mark.” Jaebum nonchalantly replied.

 

“No. No that.” He did come off as intruding but at the moment, Jinyoung wasn't even caring anymore because he needed a concrete answer.

 

“What?” Jaebum asked, confused.

 

“You're not in a relationship with Bambam?” It was a question but more of a plead, Jinyoung wasn't sure but he needed a confirmation.

 

“Bambam?” Jaebum asked in confusion. “No. What the hell Jinyoung! Where did you get the idea?”

 

And as if the world added yet another dilemma – a detour which lead to several unknown paths. Jinyoung was so tired – he won't even be surprised when he developed heart disease because of what happened the past week. Too much – the events collided in different areas resulting to crazy scenarios. He felt dizzy – _what is happening? What have I done?_ Honestly, he felt relieved – knowing Jaebum was single but he felt awful too.

 

“I just heard.” He managed a simple reply.

 

“Well, what you heard was a mistake. Bambam is a like a brother. There's no chance. No chance.” Laughing – the usual Jaebum laugh.

 

They ended up in the rooftop, before Jinyoung can calm his feelings, realization started pouring in, everything was a mess. Mark was there, waiting for him along with the other friends of Jaebum. Jinyoung saw Jackson, then Yugyeom and Bambam was there too.

  
  


“Found him.” Jaebum made their presences known. And Jinyoung’s heart sank.

 

“Park Jinyoung!” Jackson grinned and he was so excited he rushed to the approaching duo. “So it was you!” he exclaimed while he pulled Jinyoung away from Jaebum, “Why didn't you tell us sooner?” Jackson could not contain his excitement, “You're awesome, dude”

  
  


“I wanted it to be a secret” He murmured, barely audible.

  
  


“What did you say?” Jackson asked.

  
  


“Nothing.” Jinyoung retorted. He doesnt want this confusion to be greater than it should be.  

  
  


“Anyways, you and Mark need to talk” He winked at Jinyoung and slightly pushed him closer to where Mark was.

  
  


“What?” He replied, shocked.

  
  


“Let’s grab something to eat!” Jackson declared then while Yugyeom and Bambam walked towards them. Bambam offered a smile and a thumbs up. Yugyeom briefly complimented his writing. Jaebum bid goodbye.

  
  


And he was left with Mark.

  
  


When the only people in the rooftop was him and Mark, Jinyoung wanted to run away again – to escape this scenario. He barely had time to process the information Jaebum passed to him – he barely had time to calm the beating of his heart. It was a sudden surge of emotional trauma – barely a week when he decided to drop everything because Jaebum loved someone else. Jinyoung could not keep up.

  
  


But here he was standing in front of guy who should have not been dragged into this mess. He wanted to apologized but doing so would mean narrating every part of what happened scared him.

  
  


It was awkward. No one was starting a conversation and Jinyoung felt uncomfortable staying in silence. He was one of those people who were lively, not someone who stays mum most of the time, but the past week have been making its toll on him affecting his personality.

 

He roamed around the rooftop trying to find a spot where the wind blew harder because he needed so much air to breath. In the end, he chose the spot on the farther end – just before the barrier on the cliff – adjacent to the door of the rooftop.

  
  


Jinyoung was sure it 20 minutes before Mark started a conversation.

  
  


“Jinyoung” He said.

  
  


“Yes?” He asked.

  
  


“I’m sorry” Mark said, all of a sudden in a way there’s not even a trace of ingenuity. It was not what Jinyoung has expected but who was he kidding, he wasn’t expecting anything at all.

  
  


“I shouldn’t have put you in such a tight position.” It was obvious that Mark wasn’t comfortable in such lengthy conversations as he appeared as if he was placed in such a difficult scenario too. Jinyoung observed how Mark found it hard to look at him in the eyes.

  
  


“I should have dealt it in another way, not in a way that compromised you.”

  
  


It wasnt a conversation Jinyoung had expected and the genuineness in every word uttered made him feel guiltier every passing minute.

  
  


“It’s not your fault.” Jinyoung started with honesty, He wanted to create an alternate option to lead the conversation to another route. “You - of all people, should not be the one apologizing. I have caused you great trouble, I should be the one saying sorry.” It was definitely what he wanted to say because Mark doesn't deserve to be pulled in this mess.

  
  


“You’re too kind, Jinyoung-ah” Mark smiled but the next words surprised and scared Jinyoung the most. “And I have decided.” Mark suddenly revealed. “My answer is yes.”

  
  


“What?”

  
  


“Yes, Jinyoung.”

  
  


“Err-what yes?” Jinyoung prayed that it wasnt what he thought it was.

  
  


“Yes, I’m okay with us being together.”

  
  


“What!”

  
  


Jinyoung was so close to explaining everything until he saw Im Jaebum on the far end of the rooftop, just returned possibly from the cafeteria along with the others, Jinyoung lost it as he felt the disorderly beating of his heart.

  
  


“What’s the problem, Jinyoung?” Mark asked.

 

Jinyoung’s world turned into a blur in which the only clear image was that of Jaebum. He wondered then, how can his feelings for Jaebum be as strong as it is now even though he had been broken into pieces. He thought about how sure he was that he wanted to be over Jaebum but found himself falling for him over and over again.

  
  


And Jinyoung, unaware of the effects Jaebum had on him, continued be stuck on a world where Jaebum was the only character in his own little world. Jaebum smiled at Jinyoung, concerned expressed on his face and mouthed an “Are you alright?”. Jinyoung melted and his emotions started pouring again.

  
  


Mark was looking at Jinyoung but has no idea that the latter’s focus was not on him but on a certain another oblivious character in Jinyoung’s messed up story.

  
  


“Jinyoung, we -”

  
  


“You don’t deserve me.” Jinyoung said because he believe Jaebum’s kindness was too much and he doesn’t deserve the coward Park Jinyoung. “You deserve someone who can bring out the best in you.” Jinyoung continued. His emotions are getting the best of him and he wasn’t even thinking of the consequences. But he let it all out. Mark stood their, unkownlingly listening to a confession that wasn’t for him.

  
  


Jinyoung, nonetheless, continued, unaware of the possible implications.

  
  


“A person who can make you smile - I can’t do that for you, because you don’t love me. I won’t drag you in a mess that is Park Jinyoung. You deserve the best. Sadly, I am not even close to being good. You’re too precious to associate yourself with me. I like you. I love you -even. You don’t know how much I have dreamt of this day happening but you don’t love me. I haven't proven myself yet and if this thing you wanted - a relationship if you would call it would ever happen between us - let us not based it solely on my words. It’ll be unfair if the romantic flowery words deluded you in your decision to like me because that would mean that you fell in love with just a part of me but not everything that is me. “ Jinyoung said so dearly in front of Mark, the latter was oblivious that the words weren't for him

  
  


“Yes, I am selfish because I want everything of you and I don't want you only wanting just a piece of me.”

  
  


He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

  
  


“Jinyoung” Mark called him.

  
  


And it broke the spell. Jinyoung realized he committed yet another mistake.

  
  


“I’m sorry” He begged because he is in another difficult situation. Realizing he made the matter at its worst. Mark was looking at him intently and he couldn't bare to undo what he has done, and before Mark can say anything else, Jinyoung chose the easiest way out, again. He ran.

 

 


	3. But you struck an arrow into my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jinyoung's feelings get in the way of choosing the right decision and he ends up in a bigger turmoil he can't escape.

 

“Hey, you’re awake. At last!” Youngjae called Jinyoung’s attention the moment Jinyoung walked into the living room with disheveled hair  - eyes groggily staring at Youngjae’s excessive vivacity. Jinyoung just woke up from a nap after cutting the rest of his classes the whole day which was, to say the least, very  _ un-Jinyoung. _ On his defense, the event that transpired was too much for him to handle – how can he face Mark after the confession that Jinyoung did wasn’t even for the unknowing guy. On top of that, Jaebum was present in the scene, Jinyoung could not undo what he did in front of the two persons involved in the chaotic situation he made. More like he doesn't want to. If he did tell the truth to Mark that the confession wasn’t for him pre se, Jinyoung would have to explain everything and that included admitting what he feels for Jaebum. 

 

And he still wasn’t prepared for that. 

 

Jinyoung could not possible solve everything in that little span of time while he was in a pressing situation too. To his only defense, he realized he needed to iron out the mess he created; he just didn’t know where to begin. That was why he ran, again, hoping to find some solace outside the premises of the suffocating boundaries of his school. 

  
  


He went straight to his apartment, he didn’t even collect his things from his classroom, he felt the need to rush back home and lull himself to sleep in a way to ease the burden he felt in the comfort of his own bed. He just hoped one of his classmates collected and surrendered his belongings to the faculty room but it was just a split second thought as the tangible replaceable things weren’t Jinyoung’s main concern as of the moment.  Not a lingering concern about the missed lessons or the excuses he would have to lay out to his professors the moment he returns to school tomorrow. Gone were his worries over missed examinations or demerits over unexcused absences because Jinyoung’s mind was in a haze of confusion and conflicting worries - clouded by thoughts and stomach grueling guilt. 

 

“Hey!” He croaked out and his voice was even betraying him. But Jinyoung expected to hear Youngjae asking about his day or why he looked so distressed or inquire the reason why he returned home earlier than his schedule or any sort of interest in his well-being because clearly, Jinyoung looked like a mess and Youngjae has been the only sunshine that would inquire about a cloudy day in Jinyoung’s life. Jinyoung was prepared to let it all out once Youngjae dropped a question – to uncover everything that transpired involving his feelings with Jaebum and the awful thing he did to Mark because he needed someone to listen to his worries and assure him everything will be okay. That’s Youngjae’s part time responsibility- as Jinyoung’s best friend.

  
  


What he didn’t anticipate to see was Youngjae batting an eyelash and pulling an extra amount of sunshine than he normally has, and tried to sprinkled it all over the room and Jinyoung didn’t like it one bit because it could only mean something happened – Youngjae’s joyous appearance must have stemmed from something - something involving Jinyoung – and it doesn’t feel okay.

  
  


“Someone was looking for you” Youngjae said as he offered a 100-watt teasing smile, eyes sparkling and an image was formed into Jinyoung’s head to which he regretted after, he felt sick to his stomach.

  
  


Jinyoung quizzically stared at Youngjae, puzzled at his statement while the gut-wrenching pain in his abdomen intensified and no - it wasn’t because of anything he ate. An image of a person flashed briefly into JInyoung’s brain but he pushed out of his mind the initial image and pulled out all the other conceivable scenarios he could think of. Strong to his commitment in denying a possibly fact, Jinyoung relied on answerable questions.  _ Who in the world would look for him? And whoever this person was, where was he? Or she?  _

 

And it was as if Youngjae could perfectly read his mind as he answered Jinyoung’s unuttered question, “He was here an hour ago.” 

  
  


Jinyoung’s face fell because the initial person he had in mind was slowly crawling back to his head – the image was leisurely unblurring itself. But Jinyoung was still hopeful he could be wrong and even though the answers to Youngjae’s quiz narrowed down, still, Jinyoung was most definitely, believing he didn’t know who the person was – as if the fake innocence can erase the possibility. 

 

“He said you should rest.” Youngjae continued to shower him small details. Jinyoung was on the verge of running, yet again, but he knew he has nowhere to go. 

 

“He brought your things too” Youngjae pointed at Jinyoung’s bag at the coffee table, his folder was also perfectly situated beside his bag and he noticed a few books that weren’t his were also occupying the rest of the space in the small wooden table. Jinyoung recognizes those books weren’t Youngjae’s too. 

 

Youngjae grinned wider and continued filling up the details at a snail’s pace making Jinyoung more uncomfortable. Jinyoung sensed that his best friend loved the anticipation he was building on Jinyoung’s sanity by filling out details as slowly and as little as possible. 

 

“He seemed really nice.” Youngjae was definitely having the time of his life pouring out the details little by little. “He looked genuinely worried too.” He added as he hummed a song noticeably prolonging the most vital information. “Oh, he said you have an assignment for General Psychology due next week.”  Youngjae gestured at the pile of books on the coffee table. “And left these books so you can start working on it”

 

“Such a sweetie, that guy” Youngjae winked.

 

“Youngjae” Jinyoung pleaded as he closed his eyes because he knew, he already  _ fucking _ knew who Youngjae was describing. The lies he was creating on his head and the denial he was forcing on himself weren’t enough to change the truth. Knowing and finally accepting the fact at hand didn’t make Jinyoung feel at ease at all - worse, it felt like all the air has been sucked out of his lungs because that guy shouldn’t be kind to him - nor be concerned about him at all.

  
  


“I didn’t know” Youngjae revealed and Jinyoung, no matter how much he loved Youngjae, wanted to tear off the smile on his face, “Mark Tuan is hella fine.” 

  
  


And that was when Jinyoung’s reached the wall for support. 

  
  


He felt guilty over dragging Mark into his perplexing life. He had several choices that he could have pondered on – decisions that could have not involved Mark or anyone for that matter but Jinyoung failed to pick the right judgments during the critical moments. 

  
  


Jinyoung ran towards his bedroom, jumped into his bed and screamed on top of his lungs but his voice was muffled by his pillow, “I deserve to burn in the pits of hell”

  
  


Youngjae followed him into the bedroom, confused. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“Youngjae.” Jinyoung uncovered his face and pleaded, “I am the worst guy in the entire planet” He admitted.

  
  


“You can’t be that bad, Mark just retrieved your belongings for you. ” Youngjae tried, still unaware of what Jinyoung meant. “What’s the problem with that?”

 

“Everything” Jinyoung said, exasperated as he slowly sat down, grabbed his pillow tightly and punched it over and over again, releasing the tension he was currently having. 

 

And that’s when Youngjae realized something must have happened, he squinted his eyes and asked accusingly, “What did you do?” 

 

Without a moment to spare, Jinyoung inhaled deeply and exhaled, “I confessed to JB.”

 

It took a couple of moments, Youngjae’s expression knotted from realization to surprised and ended up wide-eyed foolishly grinning from ear to ear,  “You did what?” Youngjae beamed ever more, “Oh my God, I’m so proud of you, hyung.” Youngjae jumped into the bed, pulled Jinyoung into a friendly embrace, let him ago and cheered even more but instantly stopped when a fact started creeping on him, “but why was Mark Tuan here?” 

 

“No, no” Jinyoung shook his head, “You don’t understand.” Jinyoung tried to explain. “I confessed to Jaebum but not directly to him.”

  
  


“What do you mean?” 

  
  


“Mark” Jinyoung started and Youngjae has probably realized what happened as his expression grew darker.

  
  


“Mark and I had a conversation. He said he wanted a relationship with me. Because he still thinks that the poem was for him” Jinyoung told Youngjae, the latter kept his lip in a tight straight line.

 

Jinyoung noticed and continued,  “And then Jaebum came into my vision. He was there at the far end, I saw him. And, Youngjae, I was not thinking straight I know but everything started to pour in. I couldn't even control my words. I just said everything I wanted. By the time I was done, I realized Mark was in front of me and I know he thought that everything” Jinyoung paused, “was for him, again.”

 

Youngjae was perplexed as he shook his head continuously. He stood up, walked back in forth into the bedroom clearly bothered by the facts presented to him.

 

Jinyoung expected Youngjae to care for him, to offer words of consolation to ease the burden in his heart. “Youngjae, I deserve to be buried in hell. I feel awful” Jinyoung admitted, still waiting for his friend to console him.

 

Youngjae could hear him clearly but didn't offer the consolation JInyoung was expecting, much to Jinyoung’s dismay. Youngjae shook his head as he said the words Jinyoung wasn’t expecting, “If I were Satan, I would probably let you dethrone me.” Gone were the sparkling array of sunshine into Youngjae’s auro and were replaced by stormy clouds. 

  
  


“Jeez. Thanks” Jinyoung breathed out, slightly disappointed.

  
  


“Well, you deserve this.” Youngjae deadpanned, clearly unamused on what he just heard. “All of this.”

 

“Youngjae, you're supposed to be on my side. That's your duty as my best friend. I thought you love me” Jinyoung accused as he focused his eyes on his pillow. JInyoung felt awful - more awful than before. Youngjae’s words rang into his head repeatedly -  _ Do I really deserve everything?  _

 

Youngjae sighed heavily, “I do. You know that. But I can't tolerate your asshole-ness if there's a word for that because that poor Mark deserved better than your shitty confession that's not even for him.” Youngjae said, “He seemed genuinely nice and what - you refused to undo what you’ve done? Did you atleast triy?”

 

Jinyoung didn’t answer but let his head down. “I feel guilty.” He murmured almost inaudible.

 

“Of course you do.” Youngjae sarcastically said while he rolled his eyes.

 

“But I am.” It was more of a defense rather than fact sharing.

 

“If you do, you have thought of Mark by now, getting in touch with him by all means, running after him, telling him the truth, not dwelling on your petty little fear of correcting a mistake you started just because you fear Im Jaebum will reject you.”

 

Jinyoung was supposed to make a comeback, an intelligent kind of reasoning to defend himself but he found himself clinging onto words – searching for possible answers which obviously were not there.

 

“If Mark Tuan falls in love with you, you'll be breaking his heart. That isn't nice, Jinyoung hyung” Youngjae continued. And it’s a rare occurrence Youngjae addressing Jinyoung as someone older because they have been close for too long - they have dropped honorifics for a long time. 

 

There was a silence that enveloped the room after Youngjae stated what on his mind, Jinyoung was taken aback when Youngjae called him  _ hyung  _ and he also pondered on what Youngjae meant but quickly dismissed and fact relating to it and lured himself into the reality he wanted,  “He won't”

 

Youngjae heaved a desperate sigh, “You never know.”

 

“Mark Tuan will never in his lifetime fall for me. He has an army of admirers waiting to jump on him when he raises the green light.” It was a pretty confident remark stemming from observation and memories Jinyoung had in his mind, It was true though, Mark was a pretty popular guy in the university. Mark can be with whoever he likes - he wouldn't fall for Jinyoung. 

 

“Then why was he here? Why did he bring your things and got you books from the library?” Youngjae questioned him.

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Jinyoung answered, this time it was the truth. He has no idea why Mark would have exerted an effort for him. It didn't make sense. It was not like Mark instantly became head over heels for him - it can’t be - shouldn’t be. 

 

“He even said he wanted a relationship with you!” Youngjae was laying all the possibilities - all the words Jinyoung has uttered but the latter was assured - confident even that Mark would not fall for him. Mark wasn’t the type of guy who would fall for a lousy written poem. He could have received better poems or love letters from girls and guys alike, why would he want Jinyoung’s?

 

“Maybe – maybe, he took pity on me? Or maybe because he felt the need to reply to the poem I made.” Jinyoung tried to coax out words, assuring Youngjae – but mostly himself that Mark doesn’t like him. 

 

“If Mark likes you or not - or just being kind. Still, you should tell him the truth” Youngjae insisted.

 

“Believe me, Youngjae, he won’t fall for him.”

 

“That's not my main point.” Youngjae pressed on, “My point is you drag him, an innocent man, into the mess you created and you refused to tell him the truth?”

 

Jinyoung doesn't answer because he doesn't have the energy to search for proper words to reply. Or even think about a positive answer. 

 

“I thought you said you wanted to move on from JB, are you, really, hyung?” 

 

It was a statement Jinyoung could actually admit to himself that he wasn’t accurate. Yes, he wanted to move on after what he saw but knowing it was all a misunderstanding and Jaebum was not in a relationship, Jinyoung felt his world was re-created. It was as if a thread of hope was handed to him.

 

“Because if you really wanted to move on from him, you should have already told him the truth.” Youngjae added.

 

“It's easier said than done, Youngjae. Jaebum, - he's single” Jinyoung said and the hope in his voice was evident.

 

Youngjae bitterly laughed, “Oh – and that's why you don't feel shitty. You were enjoying every bit of this.” It was an accusation -  a harsh flash of reality Jinyoung would never admit. 

 

But Jinyoung’s voice was betraying him,“I am not.”

 

“Don't kid yourself.” Youngjae deadpanned, “If Jaebum is single then, Just confess.” It was a dare - a dare Jinyoung never want to engage himself too. 

 

“I can't”

 

“It's pretty easy actually and it'll solve all your problems.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Too tired” Youngjae mumbled, “Tired of trying to knock out the sense in you.” Youngjae was walking out of the room, “Just tell everyone the truth and 90 percent of your problems will vanish”

 

This time, Youngjae was out of the room but Jinyoung felt the need to still explain himself because he thought it would make him feel better, “You know, I can't” He shouted. 

 

Youngjae suddenly rushed back, re-appeared but his eyes only emitted anger, “Why?” Youngja pleaded, “Because you’re afraid JB won't love you the same way you love him?” And that it's okay to compromise other people's feeling because you just don't want to be tagged as a rejected case?”

 

“It's not”

 

“Then what its it?” Youngjae was clearly pissed, he stomped his feet and placed his right hand on his forehead. 

 

Jinyoung stayed quiet. He didnt have anything to add nor anything to defend anymore.

 

“I'm sorry you had to go through this, hyung, I'm really worried for you. I know you're feeling miserable, too. And you know I'm always by your side. I just can't tolerate you compromising other people just for yourself. Once is enough but confessing in front of Mark, making him believe that everything is for him but in reality, it was for JB, I don't personally know Mark, I just met him awhile ago, he is nice and I feel really awful for him.” Youngjae said with finality.

  
“And it's funny because I'm not even part of this fiasco but I feel sad for him more than you will ever do.”

 

 

***

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise more MarkJin next chapter - i had to dedicate two chaps for Jinyoung - and this will be a very long MarkJin fic - kind of slow build I guess but more MarkJin fluff next chapter- yay :D Thanks for reading!


	4. In a Way I can't Possibly Decline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung needed to alter the mess he created. Will he tell Mark the truth or forever hide in the chaos he created?

  
Silence was never a visitor in Jinyoung and Youngjae’s shared apartment when the two of them are together. Youngjae has no classes and it was his day-off from work too. If it was a normal day, they would have ordered pizza and indulge themselves into binge watching American series or sitcoms. But Jinyoung opted to stay in their room and Youngjae chose to watch something from his laptop and not a word was exchanged between the two of them since the heated conversation an hour ago.

His emotions were conflicting and messing with his decisions as he lamented over the choices he had recently made. Jinyoung badly wanted to reach out to Mark – talk to him and admit everything even if it meant disclosing his secret admiration for Jaebum. But on the other hand, he still wasn’t ready to let Jaebum know his true feelings. For Jinyoung, it wasn’t the right time.

There was a heavy guilt building up on Jinyoung’s chest as Youngjae’s words continuously replay on his head. Jinyoung knew Youngjae was just concern about his well-being and he could never put himself to be angry nor disappointed with his best friend. Jinyoung didn’t enjoy the silence but he doesn’t really know how to reach out to his best friend fully knowing he still couldn’t do what Youngjae asked him to do.

There’s no one to blame other than himself and Jinyoung was aware that in the end, his decisions today would play a big part in what’s going to happen in the near future. And that was Youngjae was scared of – Jinyoung regretting every single regrettable decision JInyoung made.

It took JInyoung several scenarios played on his head, and an hour to finally gather necessary courage to talk and apologize to Youngjae – he would not want to prolong their little – fight – and decided he was going to let Youngjae know of his plans even though the latter would probably disagree with him.

He inhaled deeply, sucking a huge amount of air and exhaled it quickly – he did it several times and proceeded to the living room to apologize to his best friend. Jinyoung’s walk was too slow, still pretty unsure of what would he would say first – would I’m sorry suffice as an introduction? Nonetheless, even though he would utter a perfect apology piece or a rehearsed genuine I’m sorry plea, it won’t mean everything would be forgiven in an instant and his future actions would be left unnoticed.

As he slowly strode into the living room, he noticed Youngjae has been engrossed in whatever show he was watching on his laptop. Headphones were situated on Youngjae’s ears and the latter’s focus was on the gleaming glass screen , Jinyoung would have to really walk over and do whatever he could to divert Youngjae’s attention away from the computer and towards him.

It’s now or never. Jinyoung thought.

Jinyoung, with his heart heavy and in despondency, gathered what courage he has left along with his apology and walked over to his best friend. To his surprise, even though he had a few steps left, Youngjae removed his earphones, placed his laptop onto the coffee table, stood up – ready to meet him.

  
And Jinyoung knew at that moment that they were already okay – more than okay.

 

***

 

Jinyoung’s heart erupted in a troubling manner as he walked along the corridors of the university. It would be an exaggeration if he would declare that everyone in the university already knew who he was and his identity is forever marked as the mystery romantic poet but Jinyoung felt just like that. He was aware of how openly his mind was playing tricks on him but he was still fidgety as he struggled to keep his composure - he imagined that all eyes are on him - as if a celebrity was passing by. And it didnt help Jinyoung one bit.

But to be really honest with himself, all the stares and murmurs he got weren’t even added on his problem list – he has too many pressing matters on his plate to even worry about what others would think of him. At this point, Mark Tuan was his top priority. Although he had no idea how to even talk or initiate a conversation with Mark, still, Mark Tuan was top 1 on his list, should be top on his list, it’ what he kept on telling himself. But first, he would need to meet his professors – Mark would have had to wait.

Jinyoung was way too early for his classes but he purposely woke up early hoping he would have an ample time to meet his professors and would eventually be able to explain his absences from their classes. As Jinyoung made his way to the faculty room, he was, of course, aware of the small chances of him bumping into Mark Tuan, but as Jinyoung tried to convince himself, it was too early for their classes.

After he and Youngjae had ironed out their bestfriend arguments, they started to really thought through what currently Jinyoung’s pickle was and developed ideas how to prevent it from getting worse. But the truth was, no matter how intense Jinyoung had prepared for his supposedly one on one with Mark - he could not promise himself to calm down once he finally sees him. And although there were a handful of options he and Youngjae managed to pull out from his perplexing situation, it was still hard for Jinyoung to roll out his final decision. There were tons of choices that he, with the help of Youngjae, managed to digest: it was either he’ll tell everything to Mark and subsequently confess to Jaebum or Option 2, forever live in the lie he created and accept everyone’s understanding the he likes Mark. But Option 2 will lead to several scenarios – One, Mark might insist for them to be together (out of pity) and two, Jinyoung will just have to completely decline Mark’s offer, will ultimately be the harshest thing, according to Youngjae. Option 3 would be the same as number one but crossing out the part where he confesses to Jaebum and instead pleads for Mark’s remorse to not tell everyone about it.

As of today, option 3 was what Jinyoung planned on doing. And when he finally did it, he would vow to never associate himself with Mark Tuan.

Jinyoung set aside his confusing assumptions and calmed himself internally - pulled himself together and convinced himself that it’ll be too early for Mark to be at the university and he would just deal with the problem right after class or something - or probably tomorrow - next week wasn’t so bad either. And then the moment the thoughts of Mark entered his brain, all the possibilities melted the sanity that was left in Jinyoung’s mind, Jinyoung realized then that he wasn’t ready to meet Mark, not prepared to bump into him or anything in connection in meeting Mark. Jinyoung will never be ready.

Jinyoung’s mind was in a deep mess as he struggled to wash away any thought related to Mark because it would only make everything worse and he needed to focus on his agenda to meet his professors. It took him a couple of minutes to gather his concentration, and managed to stabilize his condition.

He was nearing the faculty room and he needed his brain to function well once he is in front of his professors. Jinyoung convinced himself that it was way too early for Mark or for any of his classmates to be in the university, and after his internal argument with himself, Jinyoung finally felt relieved. He approached the faculty room, had prepared to explain why he missed his classes due to the fact that he suddenly felt indifferent and had to go home and rest. And subsequently, his plan was to ask the professors for some community service or added project to even out the missed attendance. It was a full-proof plan for he was a diligent student – he could totally persuade his professors and as he knocked twice on the door and opened it, he prepared the liveliest greeting he could muster.

“Good morn – “ Jinyoung paused half way when the university secretary diverted her attention on him and at the sane time a familiar face turned around to look at him.

Jinyoung froze on his spot, heart ripping out the veins - cutting through his skin as he was greeted by the one person he wished to confront but also the person he refused to see.

“Mr. Park” Ms. Cha, the faculty secretary, greeted Jinyoung with enthusiasm but Jinyoung hardly heard it because he was busy cursing his whole existence and had been asking the heavens on the sins he committed during his past lives wondering how he deserved something extraordinarily devastating scenario in his current life.

Everything was a mess, his brain short circuited, his heart shredded into pieces and his whole well-being was dumbfounded by the current consequences of his life. Jinyoung has practiced his speeches for Options 1, 2, and 3. Has made up his mind for Option 3 and he was even amenable to the possibility of bumping into Mark but he wasn’t ready just yet, not yet. He realized that he was not prepared - not at this moment – not even on this day. Jinyoung was confused as he racked his brain for a much needed help but there wasn’t any.

  
How can the world be so cruel with his fragile heart and ruthless with his life? What did he possible do in his past life to have befallen upon this tragic mess in his current one? Yes, he made up his mind to talk with Mark - to iron out the mess, to seek forgiveness, but Jinyoung needed more time - not in this situation and definitely not during in the freaking 7 in the morning.

“Mr. Jinyoung Park”

Jinyoung’s mouth hang agape, eyes blank while his mind wandered about how messy his life have become. His brains completely shut out everything around him. And because of his sole and vigorous internal combat with loathe and despair, he didn’t hear that his name has been called quite a few times by the secretary.

“Jinyoung” She called him louder but Jinyoung could still not hear her as Jinyoung was in an unknown state of melancholic juncture caused by his own doing.

“Jinyoung” It was uttered with already a hint of annoyance but Jinyoung still would not budge.

The spell was only broken when Mark suddenly spoke and walked over to Jinyoung, lightly held his hand and started to drag the utterly stunned Jinyoung as Mark spoke, “Ms. Cha, thank you again for all your help. Jinyoung and I will get going now.”

And the last thing Jinyoung knew, he was being gently pulled by Mark away from the faculty room. And no matter how he wanted to stay frozen on his spot and raise his opposition, his feet magically went along with whatever force was currently pulling him completely ignoring his internal combat with every fiber of his being.

The entire walk felt like a thousand years but at the same time, it seemed like it happened within a millisecond. He badly wanted it to end but simultaneously, didn’t want it to stop because the end of the walk meant a conversation with Mark and a conversation with Mark would result to everything Jinyoung was dreading.

  
But all things must come to an end and when they arrived at their location in Marks’ complete control. Jinyoung noticed they were in the auditorium and they were alone.  
“Are you okay?” Mark asked, his hand still comfortably holding Jinyoung’s.

  
Jinyoung gulped and while a lot of thoughts were rapidly rummaging his brain, he managed to reply, “I’m – yeah, I’m.” Jinyoung heaved a deep sigh “I’m okay.”

  
“You don’t look and sound okay.” Mark replied.

  
Only then did Jinyoung realize Mark’s hand was still gripping his and he, for the love of all the heavens, was conflicted on what choice to make. Should he move his hand or bluntly tell Mark. Luckily for him though, it seemed Mark noticed it too as the latter quickly removed his hand and mutter several apologies. Jinyoung was busy calming himself to notice the pink tint brushing on the other guy’s cheeks.  
There was a complete stillness echoing in the whole auditorium and it was too loud – Jinyoung’s ears were drowned in a deafening silence. But he wouldn’t be the one to break it.  
“Jinyoung” Mark started to talk again, although it took a while.

  
Jinyoung, still unable to look at Mark, only lowered his head and nodded in response. In JInyoung’s mind, he was already calculating and figuring out what to response. Mark would really want to talk and Jinyoung was sure he would confront him about the confessions. And Jinyoung had nowhere to go so he needed to wrench himself together and answer the best way he could. If Mark would insist on a relationship, Jinyoung would apologetically decline him saying he’s not ready. And in no way JInyoung would confess the poem was for Jaebum. Jinyoung was ready to fire out and deny Mar.  
“Let’s start afresh”

  
But Jinyoung wasn’t fully prepared with an eye-blinding innocent smile and an arm outstretched waiting for him to hold it.  
“Hi, I’m Mark Tuan. We’ve been classmates for 2 years, been partners once in our History class. You might have not remembered but you helped me several times during Professor Hong’s dreaded recitations. You also let me copy an assignment for our Philosophy class, handed me a pen during the exam week, gave out reviewers every exams, and although we never had a decent conversation before, I am truly grateful.”

  
Mark revealed little by little the memories Jinyoung weren’t completely aware of. For Jinyoung, his own kindness exuberates to everyone and he didn’t categorize any. In reality, Jinyoung wasn’t conscious of how he acted with his classmates – it seemed for him that his thoughtful gestures were the things that needed to be done. It came naturally to him.

  
It was surprising for Jinyoung to come across the reality of him being thoughtful and someone was actually grateful for his actions. It was definitely not because of Mark’s thoughtful words nor the sudden friendly confession that was sprung unto him but something about how Mark perfectly handled the situation. With a sudden change in the course of it all – when it fact it was Jinyoung who started the mess and Mark was the innocent victim of an inconsiderate act but still Mark was able to erase every worry, concern and burden on Jinyoung’s load made Jinyoung admire the guy in front of him.

  
And even though Jinyoung wanted to rule out future connections or impending relations with Mark; and how much he tried to detach himself with anything relating to Mark, at this moment, when Mark was standing in front of him, eyes locked with gleam and glee and smile was like a sunshine after a cloudy day, Jinyoung found himself in a standstill. Only this time, it was to discontinue the disarray he created and finally agree to a simple request of the guy he never thought he would be associated with.

  
It wasn’t the smile or the laughter – not even the sparkle in Mark’s eyes that made Jinyoung’s heart, for a millisecond, beat incredibly fast but maybe the genuineness of Mark’s simple gratitude when Jinyoung’s answered yes to Mark’s request.

 

  
_“Can we be friends?”_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating this fic frequently. But the fluff will finally start after this chapter. :D


	5. Let Me Tell You I Love You for the Hundredth Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung wanted to run away from a complicated scenario so he once again opted to lie. But the results of his lie might have been more than what he imagined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After months, I finally updated! I'm sorry it took so long. But I didn't abandon this fic. I will try my best to update regulary. Thanks for reading :)

_Let me tell you I love you for the hundredth time_

  
  


If Jinyoung could potentially learn how to build a time machine, he would dedicate his life making one. Absolutely, without any doubts or second thoughts, not even a hint of hesitation because he desperately needed one as of the moment or else his heart would combust.

  
  


And it can be associated with his apparently new found friendship with Mark Tuan.

  
  


And no, _he is not falling for Mark_. Or anything constituting a link to something romantically related to him.

  
  


But Jinyoung must have been insane when he muttered a loosely but not a forced out yes to Mark’s question just a few days ago. To even agree to be friends with someone you wouldn’t want to be connected with in the first place was a huge mistake but what could Jinyoung possibly do? He had stormed into Mark’s life and meddled with his emotions more than once, Jinyoung had to do anything to make up for it. Even though everything was a mistake to begin with. And Jinyoung had been making a lot of them lately that he wondered if his entire existence could also be considered as a mistake – because it best explained his current state. With the constant push and pull of his emotions and the endless guilt glued to his soul, added to it was the countless contradiction between what he thought was right as opposed to what he actually did in reality.

 

 

In the end, it might be right to confirm that Jinyoung’s life whirled around the meaning of paradox.

  
  


“Are you dating Mark now?” Jackson casually asked even before he, out of nowhere, sat in front of Jinyoung in the cafeteria, and absurdly and abruptly became comfortable as if the seat has the name Jackson engraved on it. His face automatically rested on his hands, flashed a knowing smile, while his eyes blinked more than they should be. And it scared the hell out of Jinyoung.

  
  


“Wow, finally! Mark hyung is dating someone.” Another guy, who Jinyoung recognized as Yugyeom, the freshman who Jaebum insisted was a dance prodigy, popped himself just beside Jackson while Bam Bam, the Thai kid, sat beside Jinyoung.

  
  


There was so much going on and so much to feel, so many things to think about but not enough time to prepare for it. Jinyoung felt a headache coming up and surely, no medicine could cure it. Jinyoung longed for a peaceful lunch, something he had not been having for the past days as the constant wave of students bombarding him questions about the poem, his romantic love life, and the surge of girls wanting to know the real score between Mark and him. Jinyoung couldn’t care less. He would, over and over again, offer the sincerest answer, we’re not dating. But it seemed most people wouldn’t believe him when he gave them the truth, all of them claiming Jinyoung was just being modest.

  
  


And Jinyoung thought this day would be the time where he could be able to spend a time for himself and to reflect on the decisions he had taken. But who was he kidding? He had spent the past days rethinking of the scenes, rebuilding the culpability, and the constant reminder of his blunders from everyone around him.

His life had totally changed upside down. He just needed a moment to eat his lunch peacefully.

  
  


_But he thought wrong._

  
  


Because to top everything on his dreaded _why is my life a disaster list_ , Jaebum just then arrived at the scene and had chosen to sit beside Jinyoung causing to cloud every justifiable answers he should have had replied to Jackson and should have denied all the implications of a romantic relationship with Mark when Yugyeom had commented something relating to Mark and Jinyoung having one. But Jinyoung couldn't even muster a single word when Jaebum had warned everyone, “Leave Jinyoung alone, he’s trying to eat lunch.”

  
  


The world must have cast the worst spell on him as Mark, unsurprisingly, joined them, sat beside Jackson, placed his tray on the table and casually started munching his fries. He then looked at Jinyoung straight into his eyes, gave him a soft smile just like what he had been giving Jinyoung every time they passed by each other in the hallways, during the classes they were together, every morning when Jinyoung arrived at the university and he would always bump into Mark at the entrance of their building or whenever he spotted Mark just outside the gates of the university while waiting for his friends – the same smile Jinyoung had been receiving ever since he agreed to be friends with him.

  
  


“We’re not dating.” Mark replied while everyone on the table had miraculously shifted their focus from Jinyoung to Mark as if what the latter had said was an utter lie.

  
  


After a beat of silence, Mark looked up from, still savoring the fries he had been munching and momentarily had an eye contact with Jinyoung before Mark shrugged and asked Jackson, “What?”

  
  


Jackson rolled his eyes in response but didn’t say a single word directed to Mark.

  
  


“We’re friends.” Mark added as he put another golden fry on his mouth.

  
  


Jackson threw his hands into the air in complete dismay; Jinyoung chose to stay silent but what could he possibly do? And because of the sudden interruption, honestly he didn't have any appetite to finish his food.

  
  


“What the hell is going on?” Jackson stated rather loudly as most people in the cafeteria diverted their attentions to him.

  
  


“We decided to be friends.” Mark did all the talking which Jinyoung was grateful to because as of the moment Jaebum was looking at him; he could tell by his peripheral view. And he could feel his heart beat incredibly fast.

  
  


“But you wrote the poem, right?” It was Bam Bam’s turn to scrutinize him and Jinyoung felt offended. Because if it wasn't for Bambam, he wouldn't have written the letter and this whole mess would have not started to which Jinyoung heaved a sigh of grief as he could not really blame someone who, in reality,  didn’t have any connection to what happened because as it turned out, what Jinyoung saw wasn't really a kiss, not even a dust of romantic affection but a mistakenly perceived scenario due to a common case of improper angle. And everything should be fine now but it wasn't. The only consolation Jinyoung savored was that Jaebum is single.

 

_It should suffice every hardship that came his way._

  
  


Yugyeom joined in then “But why aren’t you together if you like Mark hyung and Mark hyung –“

  
  


“I said we’re friends.” Mark warned, the flame flustered in his eyes had passed by Jinyoung's attention as the latter had chosen to keep his head down as long as the conversation circled around him “And we’re not talking about this anymore.” Mark added.

  
  


Unlike Yugyeom and Bam Bam who automatically closed their mouths off, once Mark had presumably given the final warning;Jackson reacted different as he widened his eyes and tried making Jinyoung uncomfortable by wanting and trying to pull out a reply from him and when Jinyoung chose to keep any words all for himself all throughout this disastrous lunch break, Jackson finally realized after the complete stretched silence that it was the end of discussion. And in the end, he could only mutter a defeated, “This is absurd.”

  
  


That should have been the cue for Jinyoung to announce his leave. He could have had excused himself or invented a couple of more lies to add to his long novel of purely distorted reality. But something inside of him prevented him from spitting out another untruth claim. And the guilt he had been feeling was entirely engulfing his decisions. He opted to stay and give this friendship a chance – the only genuine apology he could muster to give to Mark. But being friends with Mark meant he should be friends with Mark’s friends too, right?

  
  


On a second note, he should have left when he had the chance because right now, the only way he could escape this scenario was if he could travel back in time. Because if Jinyoung thought Jackson has completely given up on the topic, he thought wrong.

  
  


“You didn’t mistake Mark for someone else, right?”

  
  


At that certain moment, Jinyoung didn’t know his heart could beat so loud – could pump all the blood in and out of his arteries as fast as they could as if his heart would come out of his chest any second. At any rate, Jinyoung thought a heart attack would most likely ensue even if he or anyone in his family didn’t experience any kind of heart disease for as long as he knew, it was proven and recorder not on their bloodline but he might soon be the carrier as he could potentially develop one.

  
  


And in an instant, every pair of eyes was on him, calculating his every move, waiting for his lips to utter either a denial or the truth. And for Jinyoung, at that particular time, the only reaction that mattered was Mark’s. Disregarded was the fact that Jaebum, _the love of his life,_ had been sitting beside him and Jinyoung could not pin point why he cared so much as what would Mark feel.

  
  


But this should be the moment of revealing the truth for there were so many moments provided for him to confess – to tell the one truth that could save him a lifetime worth of torture.

  
  


_Yes, you’re right. It’s not for him. It’s for Jaebum._

  
  


Three simple sentences were enough to mend everything broken – to correct the previous committed unwanted  mistakes. Jinyoung was tempted, for the first time, to reveal the truth as the flashes of future similar sceneries visited his mind, _would he_ still have the patient to endure everything? _Would he_ still have the courage to prolong the lie? But Jinyoung spared a glance – just a second – to Mark’s direction and all the answers to his question were already laid in front of him, and he could not, right then, really utter the truth anymore.

  
  


“Jinyoung’s too smart to commit such a mistake” Jaebum ticked off the spell – the words lifted with confidence. Yugyeom nodded and Bam Bam’s facial expressions revealed everything Jaebum uttered made sense.

  
  


Jackson accepted the statement too possibly realizing how stupid his question was to begin with. Jaebum pierced through a rough pathway providing a clear and concise argument, no one dared to add a negation. Only then did Jinyoung realized how stupid he was for having committed the certain mistake that would cost him too much of a burden and months after, he would go back to this very moment and wished he had the chance to take and make the rebuttal.

  
  


And the only plausible way to travel back in the past was if a time machine was invented. _But sorry to burst your bubble, no, there was, is or will be a time machine._

  
  


Mark looked at Jinyoung with unreadable eyes. It was again a mistake on Jinyoung's part to glance at Mark as he found himself wanting to wipe off Mark's unusual demeanor – because Jinyoung was at ease, to be really honest with himself, to see Mark's usual smile. And Jinyoung realized he had been devoid of any coherent thinking as he spluttered words he could not take back.

  
  


“We’re taking things slow” Jinyoung voiced out, unsure of how true his words were and even if Jackson’s emotions visibly turned from downhill to an intense whirlwind celebration and while Yugyeom and Bam Bam exaggeratedly high-fived and Jaebum stared at him wide-eyed, he didn’t waver. But Jinyoung, not once, let his eyes wandered to anyone else's other than Mark’s, and when the latter, just for a flicker of a second looked intensely surprised, but had slowly changed to something more familiar, Jinyoung knew that for once he did the right thing.

 

_And his heart had never been so at ease._

  
  


And while Jinyoung could only heave a sigh of relief, he felt that finally, he could eat his lunch peacefully. While he was busy mixing the kimchi to his rice, he didn’t get the chance to see how Jackson, mischievously raising his eyebrows up and down, nudged Mark, who in return was forcing a poker face despite the struggle keeping his lips in forming a curve.

  
  


Everything settled in a matter of seconds, Jackson had finally decided to shift the discussion to his recent accomplishment of getting a driver’s license. Bam Bam and Yugyeom congratulated him and demanded Jackson should buy them dinner while Jaebum, Mark, and Jinyoung settled on their lunch.

  
  


Jinyoung would just have to think of other possible ways to tell Jaebum how he felt because at the end of the day, _Jinyoung is still in love with Jaebum._

  
  


And when Jinyoung thought everything was at peace, and the beating of his heart had managed to slow down and kept thinking this would not be a normal occurrence and he could go back living his life as the regular Jinyoung; he, once again, thought erroneous.

  
  


“I have an idea.”

  
  


Four words from Jackson welcoming themselves to Jinyoung’s roller-coaster world.

  
  


“Let’s all go to the beach this weekend. I’ll drive!” He grinned and clapped like a seal as if he had his own eureka moment. Jinyoung didn’t mind the sudden commotion – of Yugyeom raising his right hand like a kindergarten student and Bam Bam joining in the cheer, whistling his agreement to the plan.

Jaebum agreed too muttering a simple, “Okay, sounds good.”

  
  


“So it’s settled, then.” Jackson fist bumped the air as Yugyeom and Bam Bam abruptly made a list on what to buy and what to bring.

  
  


“We’ll all meet at the lobby our dorm at 7 in the morning.”

  
  


Jinyoung didn't have a care in the world as the guys around him had settled on a plan. For starters, he wasn't even interested in what they were discussing as he deemed he wasn't included in it. He didn't mind not being included though because the more he had little interactions with them, the better.

  
  


“Do you want Mark to pick you up on Saturday?”

  
  


Jinyoung heard and thought the question was for someone else so he settled to take the last bite of his food.

  
  


“But it’s okay if you want to go straight to our dorm.”

 

Jinyoung was now drinking his water, his mind had been hearing the exchange of words but he knew the questions weren't really for him. But no one seemed to answer the question or even reply to the statement which was kind of weird.

 

“What do you prefer?”

  
  


And a question was again raised, but no one answered again so Jinyoung had to look up and he was surprised when he realized all eyes were on him.

  
  


He blinked a couple of times before he asked, “what?”

  
  


“I said, so you want to go with Mark? Or go straight to our dorm?” Jackson asked.

  
  


Jinyoung looked confused as he asked another question, “I’m sorry, what?”

  
  


Bam Bam was the one who butted in this time providing a clearer explanation “We’re all going to the beach this weekend.”

  
  


Surprise was an understatement, Jinyoung had no idea what was happening.“What?”

  
  


“The beach. This weekend.”

  
  


“Uhmm, what?”

  
  


“Are you even listening?”

  
  


This has got to be the most what’s Jinyoung has ever uttered in a single day and he was sure he would say what a few more times because really, _what the hell is happening?_

  
  


“I said we’re all going to the beach”

  
  


“Wha--”

  
  


Jaebum started laughing hysterically, clutching his stomach in the process. Jackson on the other hand looked pissed as he had been repeating himself over and over again for the last minute. Yugyeom and Bam Bam joined Jaebum in a fit of laughter. Mark stayed quiet, resisting the urge to laugh too.

  
  


When everything registered in Jinyoung’s brain that all along he was included in the plan, that everyone though he'd joined them, he quickly formulated a lie because there was no way he would spend his weekend with an array of troubling thoughts and unforseaable scenarios. He could not. Going with them meant having Jaebum on his tracker every time and it also meant Mark being around. He accepted the friendship, open with the possibility of making new friends too but bombarding him of something extraordinarily new to him was too much to handle.

  
  


He wanted to be friends with them but it should take a while not like this that was suddenly being sprung on him.

  
  


“I can’t” Jinyoung panicked so he lied again. He had been lying the past few days he feared he would turn into a pathological liar.

  
  


“What?” It was Jackson's turn to return the question not fully accepting the latter's reply.

  
  


“I promised my best friend that we would re-arrange our apartment this weekend. We need to clean it too as his parents will be visiting.” Jinyoung didn't even waver. And though technically, it was only a half truth as Youngjae’s parents were really supposed to visit them sometime this month. The apartment didn't need any cleaning - as they kept it as tidy as possible. It was spotless and didn't need any rearranging too. But Jinyoung wanted an escape and a lie after a lie seemed the right thing to do.

  
  


“Can you do it some other time?” Jackson pressed on.

  
  


Jinyoung shook his head.

  
  


“Can your best friend do it alone?” Yugyeom inquired.

 

Jinyoung needed to come up with an answer quick. He knew he would be lying all throughout this conversation but agreeing to go to the beach with them was a gesture too big, Jinyoung wasn't ready to take.

  
  


“I don't want him to do all the cleaning when the two of us live in the apartment. It would be unfair.” Jinyoung explained.

  
  


Jackson sighed defeatedly in the end but he didn't hide the look of utter disappointment.

  
  


“It’s okay. You can come with us next time.” Mark said, smiling. Jinyoung's heart clenched.

  
  


“Uhm, yeah sure. Of course” Jinyoung replied warily.

  
  
  


***

Thursdays and Fridays in the university meant Jinyoung having to spend his lunch break with Mark and his friends but surprisingly, no one had brought up anything relating to the poetry. Jackson had been so eager to go to the beach that the topic was mostly about it. Although Jinyoung had been marked as an absentee to a supposedly stress-free weekend gateway, Jackson had been including him in all the discussions, the votation to whether they should rent a villa or go camping as if Jinyoung was an important person of their pack. It was kind of heartwarming of everyone was friendly and accommodating, now that Jnyoung had controlled the beating of his heart, he realized how great Mark and his friends are.

  
  


But Jinyoung still needed to internally calm himself during the times when Jaebum would suddenly surprise him with a pat on his back or would lean against him when Jackson had spluttered something funny or when Mark would look at them or when Mark would look at him.

  
  


And although the days before the weekend seemed better than most of Jinyoung's past disastrous days, he could not help but be excited to have a peacefull two days without anything interuppting his mind. This would be the first weekend that would most likely the ones he had before all the drama enveloped his once peaceful life. He felt like he could finally be able to distress.

 

Jinyoung slept soundly that Friday night. He had taken his time to write a list of the things he wanted to do the weekend. He planned thoroughly as there were no pending assignments nor projects, not even an announced quiz. He had been eager to go to the bookstore to buy a few titles he was longing to read. He also agreed to accompany Youngjae to an animal shelter the latter had been eager to visit. Jinyoung felt he needed this weekend to unwind and keep his mind off of things.

  
  


He woke up just in time having enough sleep for a day’s worth of energy.

  
  


He woke up feeling energized and the positive aura was seeping out of his body. _This weekend will be_ great. He proclaimed. He glanced around the bedroom to check if Youngjae was still soundly asleep but the younger was probably preparing a meal, the usual Saturday mornings. Jinyoung got out of bed, only wearing his bedtime shorts, and as he went out of the bedroom, he expected to see his best friend in the kitchen.

  
  


“Youngjae, I’m hungry! Did you cook?” He asked but there was no response from Youngjae.

  
  


And as he quickly surveyed the surroundings and his eyes landed into the living room, expecting to see his best friend, he had the biggest surprise of his life because instead of Youngjae, he was greeted by a surprise guest instead.

  
  


“Youngjae, are watching The Big Bang Theory withou ---” Jinyoung froze on his spot and he felt as if all the blood had drained from him. “Oh my god! What are you doing here?” Jinyoung half grunted half screamed.

  
  


And as much as he was surprised to see an unexpected guest, the latter was as surprised as he was.

  
  


“I, well, uhm”

  
  


And Jinyoung felt like he was being punished all over again but as his heart did, for a second, somersault into oblivion, when Mark had stuttered an incognizable sentence and suddenly turned away from him, Jinyoung recognized he had been wearing only his shorts and that he was in fact almost naked – only a small piece of clothing covering him. He wanted the floor to swallow him alive. And without any word, he ran back to his room, panting and sanity wavering.

 

Now fully clothed, he remained on his bedroom for a lot of different reasons. One, after that embarrassing exchange of stares, how could he actually show himself again? Two, why was Mark Tuan in his apartment in the first place? Three, _oh my god_ , Mark saw him and saw the apartment and _dear heavens_ he must have had realized Jinyoung was lying. But still, re-arranging the place could still be a plausible scenario.

 

When Jinyoung was pacing back and forth, he didnt realize Youngjae has entered the room.

 

“What are you doing?” Youngjae abruptly questioned but took no real interest on why Jinyoung was sulking.

 

Jinyoung decided to question the hell out of his best friend, to squeeze out information. “Why is Mark outside?” Jinyoung was expecting a grand explanation, of a huge coincidence, of a humongous reason but he got a shrug from Youngjae instead.

 

“I invited him over.”

 

He really felt pissed over Youngjae's qualms but as their conversation was progressing and how absurd the whole thing was turning into, Jinyoung couldn't really say when would his ticking time bomb would explode, “What. do. You. Mean?”

 

Youngjae spared him a glance but still not a concrete reason, “I saw him at the Claire's coffee awhile ago.”

 

“And you just invited him?” Jinyoung asked, still trying to be calm and composed.

 

Youngjae replied again, this time he turned his attention on Jinyoung and smiled, “Of course not. We talked. And he bought me croissants.”

 

Jinyoung could not even explain the betrayal he felt. Youngjae was supposed to be on his side, not befriending someone Jinyoung was in a complicated relationship. _Complicated relationship? There's no relationship between him and Mark, but what they have is a complicated one whatever it is._

 

And although Jinyoung promised he would start over and try to be friends with Mark, it didnt mean Mark could see him almost naked.

 

“He – Mark Tuan bought you croissants”

 

Youngjae's eyebrows started wiggling, and he laughed a little “Are you jealous?”

 

Jinyoung's mouth hang agape, “What are you talking about.” He tried to defend himself.

 

But Youngjae was a little minx, trying his best to put Jinyoung on a difficult spot, “You didnt deny it,”

 

And Jinyoung wouldnt easily back down, “I am not jealous. I am appalled. He is Mark Tuan, the one person I didnt need this weekend. Havent you listened to my story?” He tried to make a point.

 

Youngjae sighed, “I know everything by heart and that's why I know Mark is a good guy and we're friends now.”

 

“You're friends?” Jinyoung didnt know whether to be happy or angry. Why would Youngjae suddenly be friends with Mark? _Just because of a croissant?_

 

“Are you going to repeat everything I say?” Youngjae mocked.

 

“But Youngae, what will I do?” Jinyoung suddenly wavered. He realized it was futile to argue, to prolong the argument he knew he would lost in the end anyway.

 

“Just be yourself, Park Jinyoung.” Youngjae said as he turned around and walked out of the bedroom.

 

Jinyoung's words were left unheard, “But I dont know myself anymore.”

 

It took Jinyoung a couple of more moments before he decided to head to the iving rooom, half wishing Mark wanst there anymore.

 

“Finally!” Youngjae claimed, “The crossiants at Claire's are really to die for.” The cheerfulness in Youngjae's voice was more apparent today.

 

When Jinyoung spared a glance on Mark, the latter was smiling apologetically, maybe he knew he was intruding Jinyoung's weekend.

 

Jinyoung sat at the bean bag adjacent to Mark's.

 

“So Mark, do you want to join us today?” Youngjae suddenly drop an anwanted invitation.

 

Jinyoung's eyes widened.

 

“We're going to the bookstore and to the animal shelter.” Youngjae provided a couple of more details Jinyoung wouldnt want to share. _They were supposed to clean the house, re-arrange the furniture because that was the lie he told._ That moment, Jinyoung couldnt look at Mark because he knew Mark already saw through his lies.

 

“It's okay. I don't want to ruin your plans.” Mark politely declined.

 

Youngjae gasped and still insisted “Nonsense. The more the merrier, Jinyoung wouldnt mind, right?”

 

Jinyoung couldnt really answer right away because he was weighing the consequences. He could agree to Mark but that could mean he wouldnt be able to explain his lie and eventually would lead to a broken friendship even before it started. He could choose to invite Mark and find a way to explain why he lied.

 

“So?” Youngjae pressed on.

 

“Of course, the more, the merrier.”

 

 

***

Jinyoung had to take a quick shower but he still spend a great deal of time choosing what to wear. Not that he really cared but he would really like to look presentable. _For Mark?_ Jinyoung wouldnt really admit.

 

Youngjae was really excited because the latter had been meaning to go to the aninmal shelter. As he animatedly told random stories to Mark, Jinyoung felt Youngjae had been closer to Mark than he was and theyve only bonded hours ago. Not that he was jealous or something.

 

When they arrived at the bookstore, Youngjae excused himself as he excitedly sprinted towards the cook book sections leaving Jinyoung and Mark to themselves. Jinyoung had walked towards the young adult section, Mark following him silently. Jinyoung had wanted to pick out a few pieces he would like to add to his collections but he couldnt really focus on what to choose. The deafening silence was excruciating. And the guilt of his lie had been horrifying. He was contemplating if he should bring it up or wait for Mark to confront him.

  
  


“Are you and Youngjae that close?” Mark suddenly asked and Jinyoung slightly jumped from his spot but he covered it up quickly pretending to grab a book from the shelf.

  
  


Mark asked an out of the blue question. Jinyoung was expecting the latter to interrogate him. To ask why he lied about not going to the beach with them. But instead, it was a different question. But Jinyoung found himself answering.

  
  


“We’ve known each other since we were little. He’s like a younger brother I never had” Jinyoung admitted while he pretended to skim the book he just grabbed.

 

“Oh.” Mark replied.

 

“What's with that look?” Jinyoung squinted his eyes noticing how Mark was slightly smirking.

 

“Just... I thought you're dating or something.” Mark lowered his gaze, a blush creeping on his cheeks.

 

“Me and Youngjae? No way!” Jinyoung was surprised but he couldnt help but laugh at how the statement was absurd. He, not even once, did think he and Youngjae would be romantically related. He could not, for the love of everyone, even think he would fall for Youngjae or the other way around.

 

“Why are you laughing?” Youngjae suddenly appeared, a bunch of hard bound books on him.

 

“He thought we're dating.” Jinyoung said, still laughing.

 

“Oh my God!” Youngjae exclaimed, “That wouldnt happen even if Jinyoung and I were the last men on Earth” and Youngjae pretended to gagged, “And besides, even if we're not best friends, I dont think I'm Jinyoung's type.” He added but the hint of something else was expressly given.

 

Jinyoung couldnt really decipher what Youngjae implied so he faked a cough and asked, “Are you getting those? Might as well pay for them, so we can go to the animal shelter?”

 

As Yougjae hurriedly went to the counter, Jinyoung pretended not to notice how Mark was staring at him. And he swore, the sudden jump his heart made was not because of Mark.

 

***

 

“I want to adapt this dog.” Youngjae cooed as he held close to his hand a white furry puppy.

 

The trip to the animal shelter was a mistake if Jinyoung was questioned about it. Youngjae was too excited running around the area acting like a 12 year old. Mark had to carry the books he purchased even though Jiyoung insisted he would be the one carrying them. Mark had just formulated the excuse of not having to do anything. Jinyoung didnt want to argue so he agreed.

 

Jinyoung sighed for the nth time at how Youngjae wanted to adopt every single creature in the shelter. He knew at first Youngjae was only joking but as Youngjae was suddenly picking up a puppy and showing him how inlove he was at a certain dog, Jinyoung couldnt help but be scared.

 

“I will adopt this puppy.” Youngjae said with finality. Jinyoung had known Youngjae for too long to realize his best friend meant what he said.

 

“I'm sorry, Youngjae, but you can't adopt her because adapting this dog meant a lot of things.” Jinyoung tried to reason out. Their shared apartment was not conducive for dogs and the landlady wouldnt allow pets especially those who make loud sounds.

 

The exchange of pleads and disagreements lasted for a while. Jinyoung trying hard to extend his patience while Youngjae tried to make Jinyoung lose his patience. Jinyoung listing all the cons while Youngjae insisting on the pros. They continued arguing and not one of them had thought to back down.

 

“Can I adapt him instead?” Mark suddenly spoke in the middle of a rising heated argument.

 

Jinyoung looked at him liked he was a madman while Youngjae revealed through his eyes that Mark was a superhero.

 

“What?” Jinyoung asked.

 

“Well, it looks like Youngjae really wanted her? Him? But your landlady wouldnt allow you to have one. But I live in a condominium unit that allows pet and is pet friendly. I can take care of her and just have her meet Youngjae every weekends? Or whenever Youngjae wants” Mark explained.

 

Jinyoung wouldnt want to impose on Mark anymore. Youngjae wouldnt agree, right?

 

“you're really a life saver!!! Thank you so much! We'll visit Coco every now and then.” Youngjae said, and ran to the attendee to fill out the adapotion papers.

 

“You have got to be kidding me.” Jinyoung exclaimed as he turned to Mark, “You didnt need to do that.” He didnt mean to scold Mark but Jinyoung felt he needed to.

 

“Jinyoung” Mark said softly and Jinyoung, once again, felt that sudden thug on his heart, “I want too. Besides, Coco is cute. And I love dogs.”

 

“Mark” Jinyoung found himself saying, still trying to reason out.

 

“Jinyoung, it's fine. Don't worry about. Okay?” Mark smiled, “Let's just go and help Youngjae with the papers.”

 

And for the first time that night, Mark was the one who was leading the way and not the other way around.

 

***

 

At the end of the day, Jinyoung could not find it in his heart to rob Mark’s right to be his friend because of all the ill things he had done to him. And the reality was, he, just maybe, just a tiny bit, didn't  want to wipe off one of the most beautiful smiles he had ever seen.

 

Jinyoung couldnt fully explain or describe this day. It started off really bad but as the day progressed, it became better. He got to know Mark more, how Mark was in love with animals just like Youngjae. How Mark would smile as the smallest of things. How Mark had been so patient and kind with them. How Mark was considerate of everything. Jinyoung knew Mark realized he lied to everyone so that he wouldnt be at the beach with them but not once did Mark brought it up as if Jinyoung really didn't lie. Jinyoung was grateful. He really was. 

 

Jinyoung had gotten to know Mark more in just a day than the time he spent with Mark and his friends for the past Mark. And that had Jinyoung thinking that if he did put an effort into listening and joining the conversations with Mark and the rest of gang, he wouldve gotten to know them more and realized, this whole situation wasnt really so bad.

 

And as they walked back to their apartment, _Coco_ in Youngjae's embrace while Mark was carrying loads of dog foods, a paper bag of dog clothes, Jinyoung thought this weekend wasn't so bad after all.

 

“Can I Coco as many times as I like!” Youngjae happily asked.

 

“Of course” Mark smiled, “You're her parent too.”

 

“Thank you!” Youngjae replied, “We need to get your number though so we know when you're free and we can text you if we'll visit your apartment.” Youngjae added, “Jinyoung, can you save his number? I cant get my phone.” He said as he raised Coco proving his statement.

 

While Mark was reciting his number, Jinyoung wasnt sure why he was feeling a little excited. He tried to brush off the feeling.

 

“I can also meet you two at the park we just passed by so you wouldnt have to travel to my place every now and then.” Mark suggested.

 

“no, no, no” Youngjae replied, “we dont want to hassle you any longer.”

 

“It's really okay.” Mark said, laughing.

 

“Then, you'll free to visit us whenever you want.” Jinyoung found himself saying. And he didnt even regret it even when Youngjae offered a smirk hinted of malice.

 

"Okay." Mark said, smiling. 

 

Jinyoung felt his heart, one nanosecond, had leaped out of its natural course as Mark flashed an eye-blinding, heart-ripping smile. And Jinyoung would like to see it again – over and over again.

  
  


Jinyoung’s life was not a paradox. Mark Tuan coming to his life is Jinyoung’s paradox.

 

“Good bye, Jinyoung.” And Mark had smiled at him, again.

  
  


But no, Jinyoung is not falling for Mark Tuan.

  
  


He is not falling for Mark.

  
  


He is not falling for -----

  
  
  


 

 


End file.
